What Keeps us Going When all we Want is to be Enveloped by Nothingness?

Photo by Tiago Bandeira on Unsplash

Sometimes we just barely survive our pain, whilst others find it all too much.

Life can throw out its fair share of surprises. Some you see coming like a fast train about to plummet off a broken bridge. Others hit slap you hard in the face; an invisible wall, no warning, no sign.

But we go on — well, most of us do. The souls that leave too early escape their pain but leave behind a crescendo of agony and heartache; their loved ones left in anguish, grappling with questions forever unanswered.

But most of us go on.

I cannot begin to imagine what life must be like for those who are chronically depressed. Those who struggle every day. If you are one of those people, my heart goes out to you. I do not know what to say or how to soothe. I have visited that place you know so well, but once I left, I luckily never had to go back. Just know you are worth fighting this for, and please, please hang on — reach out to someone, even though it goes against every instinct. Please reach out. Live.

I am still here and I can tell this story because I had a child. I had a seven-year-old son. How so very thankful I am that my life did not end then. That I hung on through the pain.

It’s so hard to imagine now how I could have ever not wanted to live. Now, when every day is so precious. Every day another chance to experience this amazing life. As I sit gazing out onto the French countryside, now living a life of travel, adventure and a life full of love, I grapple to recall the raw despair back then. The unbearable weight of being useless, unnecessary, superfluous. Alien emotions to me now. But back then, back then they devoured my very essence.

At the time, my son was the only reason to stay alive. The pain I would cause him, hurt more than the pain I was suffering.

It’s so difficult to imagine the mindset of another human being not wanting to carry on. Wanting only the stillness of a never-ending nothingness. For it all to just end.

I can offer a pick ‘n’ mix selection of reasons that led me to that dark well of despondency. And, in fact, do we ever really know the exact…